Miss Scarlett’s Halloween Ideas – 2010

If you haven’t checked your calendars yet friends, we’re now well into October. That means Halloween is just a few weeks away. And this year, it falls on a Sunday, which means there are sure to be plenty of parties Saturday night.

Being a woman of color, there weren’t too many real-life options for costumes for me in my younger years. Yeah, I could have been a Black Barbie or Black Dorothy Hammil or Black Madonna, but still, I wanted to be someone and not have to put use the word “Black” as a prefix. Wait, was Michael Jackson still Black during my trick-or-treating days? Not sure. So I’ve come up with a few costume ideas for my fellow Brothas and Sistas. Some of them are quite scary… on a number of levels. Oh, and a warning for people of non-color, please do not attempt to wear these costumes while donning Black face. It’s NOT a good look!

BISHOP EDDIE LONG:

There are a few options you can go with should you desire to dress as Bishop Long, now making headlines for allegedly having sexual relations with teenaged boys.

Look#1 – Like Coffee, Black and HOT!!!- It is easy to achieve this look! Just grab a black Under Armour muscle tee, black bike shorts, black Kangol hat, your iPhone and add some facial hair. You may also accessorize with a pair of gym socks if you so desire. I don’t need to tell you where to wear them.

Look #2 – Red Means Don’t Stop – This one is also easy to create. Just grab a way too small red Under Armour tee, faded black jeans, a gold chain, and again, your iPhone. Once again, gym socks are optional.

Look #3 – The Lace Front Luva- This has to be my favorite look. Begin with– you guessed it! An Under Armour tee shirt, this time in burgundy. (I would also suggest buying a boat load of stock in Under Armour as I foresee it going up just before Halloween), wear tan suit pants and a tan vest. To achieve the hairstyle, simply take your old Michael Jackson circa Thriller wig, trim it to about the size of a yarmulke, and just plop it on your head. Make sure to pull a few little curls out over your forehead for that extra pizzazz.

 

MO’NIQUE:

This is a REAL easy one ladies!  Wear a beautiful evening gown, pull your hair up into a gracious bun, and maybe add the gardenia in the hair like Mo’nique wore when she won the Oscar for Precious. Oh, forgot the most important part of the costume… THROW OUT YOUR RAZOR! Let the hair on your legs grow and grow and happily expose your hair limbs to everybody. Some of you may have needed to start preparing for this costume back in March to have adequate leg hair, but try your best.

STEVE HARVEY:

Ah Steve! I used to love him when he was simply a comedian. But now he is the scariest thing that could ever happen to a single woman! Getting all up in her bidness and all. Get yourself a brightly colored suit and some coordinating gators. Add a fire captain’s moustache and shave your head (remember, he donated his lace front wig to the Bishop who added a texturizer to it). Once you’re at the party, go up to every bachelorette and start telling her what she’s doing wrong and why she can’t get a man. And end every sentence with a hella annoying belly laugh.

BEYONCE:

Last year, Sasha Fierce’s Single Ladies‘ look was a popular costume. I had many female friends who wore the one-shouldered leotard with the metal hand glove thingy and, of course, a ring on it. Buuuuutttt… After Halloween, actually, it was last Thanksgiving night, Beyonce aired her special taped in Vegas. The spokesmodel for L’Oreal, one of the world’s leading cosmetic companies, had something funky going on with her makeup. So this year, we’re turning to her look from that as inspiration for a costume. Here’s what you do: go to the makeup counter, find your shade of foundation & powder, then go 5 shades lighter. Slap it on your face but don’t bother trying to blend it into your jaw- or hairlines. Then take jet black liquid eyeliner. Draw a super-thick line from the inner corner of your eye to your temples. Think Egyptian, but longer. Much, much longer. Finish the look with the brightest red lipstick you can find. As for the outfit, fashion it out of aluminum foil, using balloons to creat the solid poofiness at the hips. Add a long blondish wig and don’t forget your personal diva fan!

Those are just a few suggestions for you guys. And hey, if you decide to dress up as one of these scary creatures, please send me a photo! I just might post it!

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Videophone

Dudes, why do you always ask us to get on the videophone? Especially if it’s the first time “meeting” us online? That is no bueno. Seriously. Why? Because we all aren’t Beyonce and don’t have perfect lighting and Diva Fans readily available!

Here’s why you can’t just ask a woman you just chatted with online or on the phone to do a videophone call:

1) When we meet you in person, we want to look our best. Hair perfectly curled, perfect lipstick, cover up those little blemishes, etc. If we’re talking to you on the phone or by IM, we most likely are in our big baggy sweats, rollers in our hair, and pimple cream slathered all over our faces.

2) The video quality is bad! It’s not the same as seeing us in person! Sometimes it’s grainy & pixellated. Most times it looks like someone’s smeared mayonnaise over the lens. I don’t care what brand, how high-tech or new fangled it is, it’s STILL not the same as seeing us live in person!

3) The lighting is awful! Unless you have a studio set up, videophones are often dark and create weird shadows. You need to give us some time to design a lighting set-up before we can converse.

4) 3-D things don’t look as good in 2-D. I’m a curvy girl. If you flatten my 3-D curves into just 2-D, I look extra wide. Plus it’s a known fact that cameras add 10 pounds.

Guys, it’s perfectly ok to ask us to chat via videophone after we’ve been out on a few dates. You know, after you’ve seen us at our best and maybe our date-acceptable-worst. You know, a fitted t-shirt and ponytail, and only wearing mascara. Seriously fellas, if the first time you saw us was in a poorly lit, grainy videophone with us looking a HOT mess, you’d NEVER wanna talk to us again!

Give Me a Ring!

I’ve been talking to this dude now for more than two months now. He’s long distance, but whatever. We talk on the phone about 2 or 3 times a week. He’ll text me in the morning wishing me a good day. He’ll text me at lunch to check up on me. Then when he gets home, he’ll IM me and we’ll chat. We communicate a lot. At this point you may be asking “So what’s the problem Miss Scarlett?” The problem is that he hardly EVER calls me! When we talk on the phone, nine times out of ten, it has been MY fingers doing the dialing! Like I said, he does regularly initiate contact via other formats, but rarely picks up the phone to call instead of texting.

Why is it that men fear the phone? Now I know what you might be saying: “If he’s not calling you, then he’s just not that into you.” Well, every time I talk to him, he’s VERY excited to talk to me. One time I didn’t call or text him at all for almost two weeks. He texted me a couple of times during that period. But when I finally broke down and replied to a text, he was so glad to hear from me, afraid that I’d moved on to someone else. (Well, I HAD met someone new, but that didn’t turn out so well!) A couple of hours after my text, he began to be a man and flaunt his peacock feathers and sent me a picture of him after his workout at the gym. The next day, he texted me from sun-up to sun-down. But still. No phone call. I don’t think he had another chick because I’ve dealt with those losers who always want to call me back in 30 minutes when they’re in the car. Finally, a couple of days later, I text him and say “I appreciate the texts & IMs, but I really need you to call me sometime… But not tonight.” The next day, at 5pm, he called me! Things have been pretty rosy ever since.

So lesson of the day guys, give a girl a ring every now and then. It’s an important way to show us you care and that you’re thinking about us too. Now, don’t call TOO much early on because that’s just creepy and stalkerish. Then we’ll have to go all Lady Gaga and Beyonce on you and ask you to “Stop Tele-phonin’ Meeeee!!!”