The Bachelor Special

One of my favorite blogs had a rant post about dudes asking women to cook for them. It got me to reminiscing about when those “special” fellas in my life decided to cook for me for the very first time. I remember exactly what each one of them made. Why? Because they all made exactly the same thing! I call it “The Bachelor Special–” Chicken (boneless, bone-in, skinless, whatever…) smothered in Campbell’s Cream of Chicken/Mushroom/Celery soup. My first date in college made that dish the first time he cooked for me. Then my long-term college boyfriend. Then the dude after that. And my sister said her ex-husband served her that the first time as well. As did her previous boyfriend. I could go on and on, but I won’t!

Why do guys like to make this dish? Because it’s virtually foolproof. Just plop a can of soup on top of some chicken, add half a can of milk, bake at 400 for about 30 mins, et voila!!! It won’t dry out because it’s smothered in soup. It can’t burn. It comes out moist and tasty, I will admit… But I need dudes to get a little more creative in the kitchen. And no, I don’t mean sprinkling on some garlic or garnishing it with mushrooms y’all!

I guess some guy told his roommate who told his brother who grew up and told his son who told his roommate that this was a great dish and always impresses the ladies. Well fellas, we’re just impressed that you know how to work the oven and that you even tried to cook for us. And we’re great actresses. We will pretend like this is the greatest meal we have ever had… even though Jim, Bob & Steve all cooked it for us as well.

The last time a guy I was dating made me “The Bachelor Special,” I seriously got up, left the kitchen, went to the bathroom, laughed, and sent a text to my sister telling her what he was making. I called it “The Bachelor Special” in my text, and she immediately knew what I was referring to.

But y’all know I’m here to help, not hurt, so here are some suggestions for easy, delicious, and impressive recipes:

Simple Poached Salmon: Any time you cook with wine, we’re impressed! You can even use the leftover wine from the back of your fridge. You know, that wine served when you made Chicken a la Campbell’s the last time?

Quick Beef Burgundy: Again, cooking with wine! You can also call it by its’ French name “Boeuf Bourguignion” if you REALLY wanna impress her!

Pasta dishes are always easy and can be impressive. Tomato based sauces are easy to make. Just take some canned tomatoes, olive oil, garlic, oregano, and then throw in some veggies like eggplant or spinach and some chicken and there ya go! Or you can buy a high-end sauce, add chicken or shrimp. She’ll never know. But make sure it’s high end! Like the ones sold at specialty shops. I think we all know what Ragu & Prego taste like. And don’t forget you can always grill baby grill!

Finally guys, if all else fails, order takeout and garnish it nicely. Put a couple of pots on the stove and sprinkle in some garlic powder or onion so it smells like you’ve been slaving over a hot stove all day long. Just make sure you take the containers out to the dumpster before your date arrives!

Bon appetit! 🙂

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Videophone

Dudes, why do you always ask us to get on the videophone? Especially if it’s the first time “meeting” us online? That is no bueno. Seriously. Why? Because we all aren’t Beyonce and don’t have perfect lighting and Diva Fans readily available!

Here’s why you can’t just ask a woman you just chatted with online or on the phone to do a videophone call:

1) When we meet you in person, we want to look our best. Hair perfectly curled, perfect lipstick, cover up those little blemishes, etc. If we’re talking to you on the phone or by IM, we most likely are in our big baggy sweats, rollers in our hair, and pimple cream slathered all over our faces.

2) The video quality is bad! It’s not the same as seeing us in person! Sometimes it’s grainy & pixellated. Most times it looks like someone’s smeared mayonnaise over the lens. I don’t care what brand, how high-tech or new fangled it is, it’s STILL not the same as seeing us live in person!

3) The lighting is awful! Unless you have a studio set up, videophones are often dark and create weird shadows. You need to give us some time to design a lighting set-up before we can converse.

4) 3-D things don’t look as good in 2-D. I’m a curvy girl. If you flatten my 3-D curves into just 2-D, I look extra wide. Plus it’s a known fact that cameras add 10 pounds.

Guys, it’s perfectly ok to ask us to chat via videophone after we’ve been out on a few dates. You know, after you’ve seen us at our best and maybe our date-acceptable-worst. You know, a fitted t-shirt and ponytail, and only wearing mascara. Seriously fellas, if the first time you saw us was in a poorly lit, grainy videophone with us looking a HOT mess, you’d NEVER wanna talk to us again!

The Pawn

“Hey Scarlett! You have GOT to talk to this guy I know!” Naomi texts me one day.

I’m skeptical. Naomi is a summatime friend. You know, someone who’s a friend just some of the time? I’ve been friends with her since we were teenagers, but we had a falling out about five or six years ago. About two years ago we began mending fences, but I was never able to have the same closeness we once enjoyed.

I tell her I need  more information. Where does he live? What does he want in a relationship? What does he do? Does he have any kids? Has he ever been arrested? Naomi doesn’t give out a whole lot of info. She says he’s from Gotham and works for the government. Since Naomi lives in the Capital, I assume he does as well, but I ask her to clarify if he works for the US government or the state. She isn’t sure. Most importantly, I ask how she knows him. Again, she isn’t quick to hand out information. I tell her it’s ok if she went out with him once or twice but there was no connection. Naomi “confesses.”

“Yeah, Eric and I went out a few times, but I just wasn’t feeling him. Don’t worry, we never kissed or had sex or anything! But he’s tall and handsome and is a really nice guy!” Naomi adds.

“Ok! Ok!” I finally surrender. “Give me his number and I’ll call him!”

Two days later, I call this “wonderful man.” Well, he does seem like a great person, but we just have very little in common. He’s very outdoorsy, while my idea of roughing it is staying at a three star hotel. He loves living in the city, while I prefer the suburbs. And then the deal breaker. He works closely with two other guys I dated in the past back in Gotham.

Then Eric asks me “Why do you think Naomi thought we’d be a good match?”

“I guess because I studied politics in college and she thought we’d have a common interest there.” I replied. Honestly, I didn’t truly know why she set us up. I think it’s because a few days earlier she invited me on a couples trip with her and her boyfriend. I had to remind her I’m a single, not a couple. So I thought she was trying to get me paired off as quickly as possible.

The next day, my phone rings. It’s Naomi. “Um… Scarlett… What did you tell Eric about me???”

“Um… Nothing! Our conversation was only about the two of us!” I mean, why on earth would Naomi think that our convo would center around her? No! “The only two things he asked about you were how do I know you and why did you think we’d be a good match.”

“Well, he’s been trying to contact me and asking about me, but I’ve told him I’m happily involved.”

I have no idea what Naomi is talking about. The next day, she emails me asking me to take a look at the “crazy” message Eric wrote her. I scroll down, reading the messages in reverse:

“I talked to Scarlett last night.” Read the first message, “She seems cool, but I’m wondering why you thought we’d make a good match? How are you doing by the way?”

“I have a friend I think you should talk to. I think you two would really hit it off!” wrote Naomi about three days earlier.

The day before, Eric sent this message to her: “Well, I’m happy for the both of you. But if it doesn’t work out, please give me a call.”

Naomi: “I’m seeing someone seriously now. We’re very happy together.”

That message was in response to the first email Eric sent to her, about two weeks before Naomi came up with the brilliant idea of playing matchmaker and connecting us. “Hey babe,” Eric wrote, “I still think about you every day. Is there a chance we can get back together?”

Naomi did not realize she sent me all the messages. She was sending them trying to say I said something to Eric to spark his interest in her again. I politely told Naomi “It looks like these messages began before you set us up.” No response.

Did she really think she could pull a fast one on me like this? My “friend” wasn’t actually trying to make a love connection, but trying to get some dude off her back. She should know by now that Miss Scarlett doesn’t like to play games. But chess is a game of smarts and this little pawn somehow made all the right moves and saw what the queen was attempting to do. Check and mate!

The Other “L” Word

I was sitting on the couch one evening with my latest boo candidate, Devon. We’d just completed a fabulous dinner cooked by my hands and were enjoying some delicious wine selected by him, listening to the Maxwell station on Pandora (disclaimer: that station is full of nothing but baby-making music, so take the proper precautions before playing it). It was a wonderfully romantic evening.

Devon and I have been talking for a few weeks and things are going really well. He has the top qualities I’m looking for in a man. Smart, funny, caring, ambitious, spiritual. Not to mention he’s an extra tall piece of tasty dark chocolate with a rock hard a**. (Snap out of it Scarlett!!!)

The Isley Brothers’ “Living For the Love of You” was playing on my laptop. I was feeling it. Or maybe it was the 2 1/2 glasses of moscato. I’m not really sure. I’m comfortably cuddled up in Devon’s muscular arms. My head is light (again, possibly a result of the white wine). I lay it on his firm chest, close my eyes and say “I like you Devon.”

SCREEEEEEECH!!!!

Somehow someone dragged the needle across the digital version of the Isley Brothers’ classic record.

“Um… are you sure?” Devon asks me.

All I said was that I like him. LIKE. Not love. L-I-K-E, not L-O-V-E. Guess he just heard the L at the beginning and the E at the end and got confused. I could see how a dude would flip out if a girl said she loved him after less than a month. But that’s not what I said!

“Am I sure I like you?” I ask. “Of COURSE I’m sure! I said I like you. Not love. You seem like a nice guy and all. You seem cool. I like you. I like ice cream. I like flowers. I like lamp. I like chair.” I’m starting to sound like Brick Tamland from Anchorman.

Sadly readers, this was not the WORST reaction I had to my uttering of the other “L” word. The worst happened several years ago. I’d been dating this one dude for several months. We were laying in bed, cuddled up, enjoying the closeness. “I like you” I said. Crickets. No response from him at all. And he was one who was not typically at a loss for words.

There were a million things ole dude could have said at that time– “I think you’re a great person…” “Aw, aren’t you sweet!”… “Gee Scarlett, you’re so beautiful!” Any of these would have worked. But no response is the worst of all. Worse than even saying “I think you’re scum,” which is what I wanted to say to him.

Back to Devon now… He managed to rescue himself.

“I enjoy spending time with you too,” he said. “And when it comes to the Big L word, just so you know, I have no problem saying it out loud when that time comes.” I think I’ll keep him around and see if we get to that Big L word.

The Three Stooges: Curly

THE THREE STOOGES: CURLY

Curly was my favorite Stooge. I guess because I like big ole oafs. I don’t know why. But I’d talked to Curly years before and we had something kinda going on even though it was long distance. I’m not sure how I met him, but it was online somewhere. He’s tall. Very tall. 6’7”.  I just have a thing for big cuddly teddy bears! We’d had a decent relationship before, great convo and everything, he even sent me a dozen red roses for no reason. First guy to actually send me roses. But I was a young thang back then. Wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. Plus we’d never actually met in person. So I bailed.

Fast forward to 2009. He finds me on Facebook. We reconnect.  We were supposed to meet up when I was visiting Peach City for Thanksgiving. Alas, Curly does not have a car either. I tell him that’s an issue. He can’t come to my mom’s house to court me after getting off the bus. She don’t play dat. Plus, I probably wouldn’t be able to borrow a car and didn’t have the money to rent one. Finally, I found a car to use, but I didn’t hear from him.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I see him online and go to his page. He saw I stopped by and wrote me a note simply saying “We need to talk.” “Talk about what?“ I think to myself. I ain’t got NUTHIN’ to talk to his dumb azz about. Well, being the kind and loving person that I am, I decide to give him a call. We talk, and we eventually agree to go out that Sunday for a movie (and I assumed lunch or dinner, depending on the time). I said I would go out to him and pick him up.

I get there. He towers over me. Curly bends over to give me an awkward hug. He stinks. He’d been looking forward to meet me for years, don’t you think he could have splashed on just a LITTLE cologne? Some Axe or Old Spice even? No. I push the seat in my teeny little car waaaaaaaay back. Some how Curly manages to squeeze in although his knees are all up in the dashboard.

We get to the theater and Curly asks me what I want to see and says he wants to see Iron Man 2. I tell him I hadn’t seen the first one and I’m not really into that kind of movie. So I suggest another action movie and Queen Latifah & Common’s Just Right, which is about love and basketball. Should have been a good date movie. We get to the ticket counter. “Two for Iron Man 2” he says. Ugh!

We walk right past the refreshment stand. He doesn’t ask if I want any popcorn, no Jujubees, no nothing. He didn’t even give me the chance to offer to buy him something. (Not that I would have. I mean, I DID just drive like 40 minutes to pick him up!) The movie had already started, and it was a good thing. That meant 10 less minutes that I had to sit through that mess. I was bored. I’m sure I would have enjoyed the movie had I been a 12 year old boy, but I’m not!

I’m acting kind of pissy during the movie, but try to suck it up and enjoy the company. I fake attraction and put my right leg against his left. Meanwhile, my left leg was as far away from him as could be! Curly reciprocated the closeness. With his arms folded, he touched my arm with just his one finger poking me in an ET kind of way. How romantic.

Two hours later, we leave the movies. “What’s next?” I ask. “I don’t know. What do you want to do?” Curly responds. I tell him how I’d skipped lunch and was hungry and ask if we can get something to eat. “Ok,” he replies, “but it has to be somewhere inexpensive.” Inexpensive??? Is he for REAL??? I wanted to leave Curly in that parking lot and burn rubber! But I was hungry, and a free meal’s a free meal. I mean, it wasn’t like I was ever going to see him again, right?

Curly wedges his expansive self back into my compact sports car. He asks if Ruby Tuesday is ok. I have no problem with that place whatsoever! I wasn’t expecting dinner at the Four Seasons, so that place was more than fine. Had he not said the word “inexpensive,” he might have had a chance for a second date. Well, actually, no he wouldn’t have! Had he not said the “I” word and used some Irish Spring, he MAY have had a second date. I said MAY!

After dinner, he crams himself back into my car. He asks if I want to go back to his place and chill and watch TV. I quickly come up with an excuse. “You know, I’d LOVE to, but I have a dentist appointment tonight. I know it’s a Sunday and all… But I gotta get a root canal.” Ok, so I had a better excuse than that, but it was still pretty bad.

On the drive back to drop him off, Curly says “On our next date, I’ll take you to the Cheesecake Factory!” Um… Dude… There won’t BE a next date! NEXT!!!

THE THREE STOOGES: MOE

At the same time as I was getting to know Larry, I also began to talk to second dude. Let’s call him Moe. Moe was a very handsome, tall piece of dark chocolate. He, of course, had gone to college (an important criteria for me), pledged a fraternity, and even played professional football for a week and a half or something.

Moe had a job. Not the best job, but a job none the less, and in this economy, that’s golden! His living situation was a little odd. He had just moved in with a female friend whom he claimed was not his girlfriend. Why do I keep giving these “special cases” a chance? If I liked dogs, I’d be the person to take in all the pups with two broken legs, mange and are blind in one eye. Geesh! Anywho… Back to Moe….

We chat online for a while. Then he tells me he has to go work overnight as a security guard. Moe asks me what I’m doing that night. It happened to be Cinco de Mayo. I tell him I’m going to a comedy show with my girls. Why does Moe ask me to meet him for a drink when he gets off at 1am? Sorry! I don’t do booty calls! NEXT!!!

THE THREE STOOGES: LARRY

So as you know readers, I’m giving online dating a chance. It has its’ winners and its’ losers, just as any club, bar, wherever you go to meet members of the opposite sex. Or same sex. Miss Scarlett doesn’t judge! This time I got responses from three guys. I decided to give all three a chance. Dude #1. Let’s call him Larry. He’s four years younger than me, college educated, hard-worker. Seemed like a decent guy. I mean, he even texted me poetry one morning! Our conversations online were pretty good. Making small talk. Asking about our hobbies, favorite sports teams, talking politics, and so on and so on. Then he asks me if I enjoy going for walks. “Why?” I ask. “Do you not have a car?” I say jokingly. “Actually, no. I don’t have a car right now, is that a problem?” He said he had car troubles and was taking public transportation for the time being. I was sympathetic, since I drive a 1999 hooptie. I decided to continue my conversations with Larry. But then, he gets a little to comfortable with me… “I hate my job. It doesn‘t pay enough.” He texts one day. (Oh, for the record, I‘m texting or IMing everyone because my cell phone doesn‘t get good reception out here in the woods.) “I don’t know if we can meet up Tuesday. I have to go to court.” Larry says in a text. I don’t ask any questions, assuming it’s traffic court for a simple speeding ticket or parking ticket. Dumb ole Larry continues… “Yeah, I have a $1,000 ticket.” HOW THE HECK DO YOU GET A $1,000 TICKET?!?!?! That’s not for speeding in a school zone. He had to have been stashing some cocaina in the trunk or shooting at cops or something. Let’s see… No car, has a job he hates, and has done something dumb enough to earn him a $1000 ticket well into his grown-azz-manhood? No thank you! NEXT!!!

Dr. Charming

So readers, I’ve been so busy living my new life that I’ve hardly had the time to actually blog about it! I’ve been here in Peach City for just about six weeks now. People have told me the dating scene down here is horrendous, but I figured it couldn’t be any worse than what my love life was like back up north. Up there, it was SO bad, it was on life support!

You know I’ve been actively dating online for a while now. Well, as soon as I unpacked my car that Sunday, I decided to update my profile to reflect my new city. I instantly got a hit. That Wednesday I was supposed to go out with a great catch. He was a tall, handsome doctor who owned a home and a condo., loved to travel all the time, dressed well, and so on and so forth. Well, he had to postpone because he had an emergency C-section.– greatest excuse I’d heard in a LONG time! We were able to meet up the next day. He was great! Handsome, smart, charismatic. I refused to believe that I’d met my Prince Charming just four days after moving down here, but he allowed me to see that there really are good men out there and to “keep hope alive!”

I didn’t really think we had that great a connection, but was willing to give him another chance. I mean, he’s the kind of guy a mom dreams of for her daughter. As we were leaving, he asked if I wanted to meet up again Saturday morning. I told him I was busy. But I was almost willing to cancel my plans to see him again. He then asked what I was doing on Monday.
“Nothing,” I said.
“Ok, we’ll meet up Monday then” said Dr. Charming.

Alas, Dr. Charming DID have a wart a two.  I called him Saturday morning. No answer. No return call. Then I texted him Sunday night just to say hey and looking forward to Monday. No response. Monday, a text asking if we were meeting up. Nothing. A week later I called to say what’s up. Again, no response. Oh well! Some things are just too good to be true! Back to kissing toads for me!

Miss Scarlett: Super Sleuth

Technology is a bitch. Especially when it comes to dating. I mean, praise be to Al Gore for inventing the internet, but it has its’ downfalls. Sure, without online dating sites, millions more women (self-included) would be sitting at home alone every night. But it can also lead to trouble. I’m not talking about “To Catch a Predator” style trouble, but trouble none the less. It’s helped me catch dudes in lies, but I’ve also gotten tripped up by technology as well. I’ll tell you that story another time.

I always Google dudes before I go out with them. One of my friends, Julie of course, thinks that’s wrong. She says I need to get to know him and find out these answers by being with him, talking to him and asking him important questions. To that I say, you wouldn’t buy a car without doing some research on it first, right? So why wouldn’t you wanna know something about the guy before you get too deeply involved? Besides, I’m a journalist by trade. Being inquisitive is my nature and I want to find those answers. I know, I know… “Curiosity kills the cat.” Well, it’s a good thing kitty’s got nine lives!

In all fairness, I’m not looking for things like how much money does he make or how big is his house. I’m looking for basic, yet important things. Like does he have a criminal background (serial killers are not my thing)? Are those pictures really of him or are they of Morris Chestnut? And most importantly… IS HE MARRIED???

You may be laughing at that last one, but I am straight serious about it! It actually happened to me! I met this hot guy online, Jake. He lived in the same city as my sister. We chatted online and texted but never talked on the phone. After about 2 weeks or so, I asked why he didn’t call me. Finally, he told me to call him, but it went to voicemail each and every time. Of course this made your girl Scarlett suspicious. So, to Google I went! I looked up his name in Peach City, but there were at least a dozen guys with the same name. I knew he was a personal trainer, so I Googled that. Bingo! Found his bio page at an area gym. Cool. I looked through page after page and didn’t find anything incriminating and was about to give him the green light. But then, for some odd reason, a little voice in my head told me to search Yahoo. So I did. One of the first things to pop up was a note on the obituary page for the great actor Ossie Davis, who had a long and wonderful marriage to the lovely actress Ruby Dee. I love this couple, so I click on the page to see what Jake wrote.

“Ossie was such an inspiration to me.” Ah, how sweet! I continue to read on. “I can only hope my wife and I can have a marriage as wonderful Ossie and Ruby’s.”

Wait… WHAT??? I re-read the note, once, twice, three times. Did he just say his WIFE??? I look at the date stamp on the note. It’s from only the year prior. That meant at best he was very, very, VERY recently divorced or widowed and at worst, um… MARRIED! So the next day I try to call Jake. Of course there’s no answer. About five minutes later, he texts me back.

“What’s up?” he writes.
“Call me” is all I text back.
“I can’t! I’m watching the game baby!”
“Which game?” I ask.
“The Falcons vs. the Eagles” he responds
“So am I. Call me at halftime or don’t bother calling or texting me ever again.”
“Don’t be like that baby! Stop playing!”
“I’m not playing Jake!”

Of course he never called me, and of course I could have cared less!

Give Me a Ring!

I’ve been talking to this dude now for more than two months now. He’s long distance, but whatever. We talk on the phone about 2 or 3 times a week. He’ll text me in the morning wishing me a good day. He’ll text me at lunch to check up on me. Then when he gets home, he’ll IM me and we’ll chat. We communicate a lot. At this point you may be asking “So what’s the problem Miss Scarlett?” The problem is that he hardly EVER calls me! When we talk on the phone, nine times out of ten, it has been MY fingers doing the dialing! Like I said, he does regularly initiate contact via other formats, but rarely picks up the phone to call instead of texting.

Why is it that men fear the phone? Now I know what you might be saying: “If he’s not calling you, then he’s just not that into you.” Well, every time I talk to him, he’s VERY excited to talk to me. One time I didn’t call or text him at all for almost two weeks. He texted me a couple of times during that period. But when I finally broke down and replied to a text, he was so glad to hear from me, afraid that I’d moved on to someone else. (Well, I HAD met someone new, but that didn’t turn out so well!) A couple of hours after my text, he began to be a man and flaunt his peacock feathers and sent me a picture of him after his workout at the gym. The next day, he texted me from sun-up to sun-down. But still. No phone call. I don’t think he had another chick because I’ve dealt with those losers who always want to call me back in 30 minutes when they’re in the car. Finally, a couple of days later, I text him and say “I appreciate the texts & IMs, but I really need you to call me sometime… But not tonight.” The next day, at 5pm, he called me! Things have been pretty rosy ever since.

So lesson of the day guys, give a girl a ring every now and then. It’s an important way to show us you care and that you’re thinking about us too. Now, don’t call TOO much early on because that’s just creepy and stalkerish. Then we’ll have to go all Lady Gaga and Beyonce on you and ask you to “Stop Tele-phonin’ Meeeee!!!”