THE THREE STOOGES: CURLY
Curly was my favorite Stooge. I guess because I like big ole oafs. I don’t know why. But I’d talked to Curly years before and we had something kinda going on even though it was long distance. I’m not sure how I met him, but it was online somewhere. He’s tall. Very tall. 6’7”. I just have a thing for big cuddly teddy bears! We’d had a decent relationship before, great convo and everything, he even sent me a dozen red roses for no reason. First guy to actually send me roses. But I was a young thang back then. Wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. Plus we’d never actually met in person. So I bailed.
Fast forward to 2009. He finds me on Facebook. We reconnect. We were supposed to meet up when I was visiting Peach City for Thanksgiving. Alas, Curly does not have a car either. I tell him that’s an issue. He can’t come to my mom’s house to court me after getting off the bus. She don’t play dat. Plus, I probably wouldn’t be able to borrow a car and didn’t have the money to rent one. Finally, I found a car to use, but I didn’t hear from him.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. I see him online and go to his page. He saw I stopped by and wrote me a note simply saying “We need to talk.” “Talk about what?“ I think to myself. I ain’t got NUTHIN’ to talk to his dumb azz about. Well, being the kind and loving person that I am, I decide to give him a call. We talk, and we eventually agree to go out that Sunday for a movie (and I assumed lunch or dinner, depending on the time). I said I would go out to him and pick him up.
I get there. He towers over me. Curly bends over to give me an awkward hug. He stinks. He’d been looking forward to meet me for years, don’t you think he could have splashed on just a LITTLE cologne? Some Axe or Old Spice even? No. I push the seat in my teeny little car waaaaaaaay back. Some how Curly manages to squeeze in although his knees are all up in the dashboard.
We get to the theater and Curly asks me what I want to see and says he wants to see Iron Man 2. I tell him I hadn’t seen the first one and I’m not really into that kind of movie. So I suggest another action movie and Queen Latifah & Common’s Just Right, which is about love and basketball. Should have been a good date movie. We get to the ticket counter. “Two for Iron Man 2” he says. Ugh!
We walk right past the refreshment stand. He doesn’t ask if I want any popcorn, no Jujubees, no nothing. He didn’t even give me the chance to offer to buy him something. (Not that I would have. I mean, I DID just drive like 40 minutes to pick him up!) The movie had already started, and it was a good thing. That meant 10 less minutes that I had to sit through that mess. I was bored. I’m sure I would have enjoyed the movie had I been a 12 year old boy, but I’m not!
I’m acting kind of pissy during the movie, but try to suck it up and enjoy the company. I fake attraction and put my right leg against his left. Meanwhile, my left leg was as far away from him as could be! Curly reciprocated the closeness. With his arms folded, he touched my arm with just his one finger poking me in an ET kind of way. How romantic.
Two hours later, we leave the movies. “What’s next?” I ask. “I don’t know. What do you want to do?” Curly responds. I tell him how I’d skipped lunch and was hungry and ask if we can get something to eat. “Ok,” he replies, “but it has to be somewhere inexpensive.” Inexpensive??? Is he for REAL??? I wanted to leave Curly in that parking lot and burn rubber! But I was hungry, and a free meal’s a free meal. I mean, it wasn’t like I was ever going to see him again, right?
Curly wedges his expansive self back into my compact sports car. He asks if Ruby Tuesday is ok. I have no problem with that place whatsoever! I wasn’t expecting dinner at the Four Seasons, so that place was more than fine. Had he not said the word “inexpensive,” he might have had a chance for a second date. Well, actually, no he wouldn’t have! Had he not said the “I” word and used some Irish Spring, he MAY have had a second date. I said MAY!
After dinner, he crams himself back into my car. He asks if I want to go back to his place and chill and watch TV. I quickly come up with an excuse. “You know, I’d LOVE to, but I have a dentist appointment tonight. I know it’s a Sunday and all… But I gotta get a root canal.” Ok, so I had a better excuse than that, but it was still pretty bad.
On the drive back to drop him off, Curly says “On our next date, I’ll take you to the Cheesecake Factory!” Um… Dude… There won’t BE a next date! NEXT!!!
The Scarlett Letter 